By Maria Papacosta

In a world where advice seems to flow freely, as a leader, the best counsel you can offer your team may paradoxically be to stop giving advice altogether. Our eagerness to share solutions often overshadows the importance of genuine listening and the empowerment that comes from self-discovery.

You may be familiar with this famous quote from Epictetus: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” As a leadership presence and speaking coach, my clients come to me looking for advice and ready-made answers, but I have discovered over the years that often I can serve them better by heeding Epictetus and leaning into active listening, allowing individuals the space to express (and discover) themselves.

Active listening encourages employees to find their own solutions

While our intentions in offering advice may be noble, the reality is that one size does not fit all. Providing solutions, even with the best intentions, can inadvertently deprive individuals of the opportunity to find their own answers. Moreover, reliance on external advice can lead to an accountability problem, where individuals do not take ownership of their decisions and assign blame elsewhere when things go awry.

Research confirms my experience. For example, self-determination theory (SDT) suggests that individuals have an innate psychological need for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Advising in a way that supports autonomy rather than dictating a course of action aligns with our need for self-determination. Respecting people’s autonomy fosters a sense of empowerment and dignity, honoring their ability to make decisions aligned with their values and desires.

Similarly, the prominent psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of creating a supportive and non-judgmental environment for individuals to explore their own feelings and thoughts. His person-centered approach is based on the idea that people are more likely to find their own solutions when given the space to reflect without the imposition of external judgments or advice.

In practice, this approach cultivates trust, enhances collaboration and nurtures healthy relationships. “Sarah,” a team leader I coached, exemplified this by actively involving her team members in decision-making processes.

Sarah organized Friday lunch meetings with her team, which she named “Creativity Fridays.” During these gatherings, Sarah facilitated discussions on topics brought up by the management team, fostering an environment where team members could freely contribute ideas and perspectives. She also encouraged open dialogue about areas where each member faced difficulties or needed support, providing them with the opportunity to articulate their thoughts and learn to seek assistance when necessary.

Sarah’s approach not only boosted morale, but also led to innovative solutions and strengthened team cohesion. More importantly, Sarah empowered her team to explore their feelings and thoughts. Rather than immediately seek support, they learned to gather perspectives and find their own solutions, resulting in greater levels of ownership.

How to be an active listener

To foster genuine empowerment, whether in our professional or personal relationships, it’s crucial to transition from merely being “advice-givers” to becoming supportive listeners and facilitators. Here are some alternative approaches to consider:

1. Ask questions

Rather than offering ready-made solutions, ask questions that guide individuals to clarify their thoughts and explore potential solutions. This approach encourages self-reflection and empowers them to make informed decisions.

When a client of mine was struggling with stage fright, I asked them a series of questions such as what specific aspects of the presentation were causing the most anxiety, how they envisioned themselves delivering the content, and what strategies they felt would help them feel more confident on stage. By respecting their autonomy and involving them in the problem-solving process, my client felt empowered to explore various techniques tailored to their individual needs.

2. Offer support

Show that you are available to provide support, whether it’s lending a listening ear or participating in a brainstorming session. This signals your willingness to assist without imposing solutions, allowing individuals to take the lead in resolving their issues.

Consider a scenario where a colleague sits at their desk for hours, working overtime, sighing, and appearing frustrated. Instead of immediately offering advice or suggesting solutions, offering a helping hand in the form of a discussion to help them clarify their thinking can make all the difference. This allows them to express their frustrations and explore potential solutions collaboratively, fostering a supportive environment conducive to problem-solving.

3. Share experiences as stories

If relevant experiences can offer insights, present them as stories rather than prescriptive advice. Narrating personal experiences provides valuable perspectives without imposing a specific course of action, giving individuals the freedom to choose their own path.

When coaching non-professional speakers for events like TEDx, I find it much more valuable to share stories of successful speakers and how they overcame obstacles, managed failures, dealt with stage fright, or captured the audience’s attention. By recounting experiences, listeners gain a deeper understanding of diverse situations and feel empowered to select the most suitable approach for their circumstances. These stories also foster a sense of solidarity, reassuring listeners that others have navigated similar challenges.

4. The importance of being there

In essence, the shift from advice giving to being a supportive listener and facilitator emphasizes the importance of presence. Sometimes, individuals don’t need answers; they need company and a sounding board.

Especially in a business setting, individuals may approach us to express their concerns, share frustrations, or simply vent. In such moments, it’s important not to immediately jump in to offer support or assistance. Sometimes, all that’s needed is to listen attentively and acknowledge their emotions. This simple act of being present can empower them to navigate their challenges independently.

5. Know when to seek professional advice

While being supportive is crucial, it’s important to acknowledge that certain matters require expertise. Encourage individuals to seek guidance from professionals when necessary, recognizing the limits of personal knowledge and experience.

Active listening fosters a culture of empowerment

In a culture that often prioritizes immediate solutions, empowering others often means not instant answers, but cultivating an environment where self-discovery and problem-solving take center stage. By embracing a role as supportive listeners and facilitators, we can foster a culture of empowerment that transcends the limitations of conventional advice giving.

Ultimately, the best way to help someone may be as simple as being there for them, allowing them the space to discover their own solutions and grow through their experiences.

FAQs on leading by listening

About the Author

Post by: Maria Papacosta

Maria Papacosta is a leadership coach, researcher, and co-founder of MSC Marketing Bureau. She specializes in supporting leaders to enhance their presence, develop authentic personal brands, and communicate with impact.

Company: MSC Marketing Bureau
Website: www.mscbureau.com
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